Everyone has advice to give....I guess some of our children will get to hear advice from our President on Tuesday concerning their education.
What about advice for young preachers/pastors? Can they not avail themselves of the experiences and wisdom (?) of mature, seasoned men of God?
I'll begin the advice and well, I guess this could apply to all preachers, no matter what their age or experience in the ministry. You may feel free to contribute.
Advice point #1 NEVER be responsible for the thermostat at church. You will always be the reason that someone is either too cold or too hot. Allow one of your trusted deacons who everyone is afraid of to handle this.
Advice point #2 NEVER wear your lapel mike to the restroom. This is self-explanatory.
Advice point #3 NEVER forget to check your zipper (twice) before leaving the restroom at church. This is also self-explanatory.
Advice point #4 NEVER call someone ( a second or third time visitor for example) by name if you are really not sure what their name is. Better to just say, Brother or Sister. I've learned this the hard way. "Hello Fred" (as I'm a bit unsure of his name). Response: "My name is Frank and I've been here three Sundays" (in other words I've told you this three times).
Advice point #5 NEVER use your wife in a sermon illustration. It may work 9 times, but the 10th time, it will reflect negatively on her in some way (at least according to her).
Sermon Example: "If your house is messy, and someone pulls up in the driveway, you will scramble and try to clean up really fast...You won't have time to do that when Jesus comes back...etc."
Wife's response after church: "You lout. Now everyone thinks I can't keep a clean house!"
Advice point #6 NEVER say this when explaining the spirit and the body in a funeral message: "This is just the shell. The nut is gone!"
Advice point #7 NEVER allow the Devil to get the best of you before you step into the pulpit. If a deacon comes up to you during the last verse of the last special and says, "Preacher, the toilet just overflowed in the men's restroom." Look him calmly in the eye, and say, "I have counted all things but dung that I may win Christ. Put a sign on the door that says Out of Order...Use the Restroom in Fellowship Hall."
That's enough advice for now. Instead of NEVERS, perhaps next time we will look at some ALWAYS of the ministry.
Never forget the names and family relations of people whose funerals you have preached...there is nothing like asking "Where was Bro. Joe this morning?" to his wife and she says, "He's in the ground where you buried him last week!"
ReplyDeleteHow bout this one....NEVER miss Church one Sunday morning, on the day of Church fellowship, just to arrive during Church and wait in the fellowship hall so you can be the first one to eat.
ALSO...Never preach what you hear around the smoking pit at Church Camp.
That is all I have for now...maybe I'll add some more later.
Another...this is a true story concerning a booming voice evangelist that many of us know.
ReplyDeleteNEVER hold your eyeglasses in your hand and gesture with it as you preach. You may squeeze your glases so tightly that a lens may go flying out into the congregation and stick to a lady's forehead in the second row of pews!
True story here.
ReplyDeleteNEVER leave your cell phone on and on ring while preaching a sermon titled, "Answering God's call", even if it IS the first week you've ever owned a cell phone.
NEVER surprise your wife in front of the congregation, even on accident. She could be having a bad day, and burst into tears.
True stories about another preacher.
NEVER confuse body or medical terms. You don't want to tell a congregation Sister So-And-So is having eye problems, so she is going to have surgery on her rectum the next day.
NEVER go fishing all day Saturday with your baseball cap on backwards. The red shape it leaves looks like a capital "D" on it's side, right on your forehead. Somehow, it makes you look both silly and angry at the same time.
Funny...thanks for sharing
ReplyDeleteNEVER refer to Pontius Pilate as Poncho Pilate in a sermon. One of my dear, elderly pastors did so many years ago. He had a knack for mispronouncing words. I was about 12 or so and lost it...laughed uncontrollably for the next ten minutes as I pictured Pilate with bullets criss-crossing his chest and a Mexican sombrero on his head.
ReplyDeleteBig J, so far I haven't forgotten that someone I've preached a funeral for is dead. But I am at the point that if I don't go to the funeral, I often don't remember someone is dead. Asking a family member how a dead person is doing is extremely embarrassing. It's always nice to have a nearby hole to crawl in to!
ReplyDeleteBro. Adrian, this is a true story concerning a booming voice preacher/evangelist that none of us knew but may have heard of. My Dad told of him preaching a revival at a location about three miles through the woods from their house. They often could hear the noise he was making, and on one clear quiet night distinctly heard a whole sentence from his sermon.
Never think that a booming voice doth a sermon make. After a particularly rousing sermon by this particular elder, a deacon commented that he had really thundered tonight. As Bro. W. began to be particularly pleased with himself, the deacon continued, "but you know it's lightning that kills and not thunder."
Never tell another preacher what you're going to preach (even if he's your friend...especially if he's your friend). Two preachers, the above thunderous brother and G. D. Walters (I think), rode together to an association or 5th Sunday meeting or some such meeting. As they traveled, Bro. Walters, who was scheduled to preach, discussed his sermon with Bro. W. After they arrived and the meeting was underway, the body voted to hear the visiting Bro. W. He ascended the pulpit, took Bro. Walters text and sermon, and went to town with it. Needless to say, Bro. Walters was left to fend for himself. Good thing they were friends.
*Note: I don't remember this; was just told it. I think Bro. Walters was the brother who was taken advantage of, but I'm not positive.